He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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