He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
