whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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