just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
