There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
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I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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