i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
