just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
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I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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