He is like the real live version of the state fair..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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