i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
tell me about the fingering
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