we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
