He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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