Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
