Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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