My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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