mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
