The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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