sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
