and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
