dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
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I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
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It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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