Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I know her cup size but not her name....
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
