Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
