OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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