The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
