At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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