I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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