Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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