that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
