There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
