I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
