Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Drunk is not a location!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
