I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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