I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
