This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
