kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm always down for nudity.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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