$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
