Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
