I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
