The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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