forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
