i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
