Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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