Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
