He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
