I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
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Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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