remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
