Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
