mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
