So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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