but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
