Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
