So drunk its hurt
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
