Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
