Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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