the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
