You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
