he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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