I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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