I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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