They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
